Building stronger relationships
In my last blog, I outlined ways to build teamwork by recognizing and incorporating the unique qualities of each Life Language™️. I also asked the question “How do we make a relationship work when it seems that opposites attract?” Today I am going to offer a few thoughts in answer to that question.
First, let’s state an important foundation: relationships take work.
Whether we are talking about a husband and wife, parent and child, or best friends, no relationship gets better automatically.
But even when we are committed to the necessary work, it sometimes seems that relationships go south. Conflict reigns or distrust grows until the relationship founders.
It doesn’t have to be that way.
A key principle of our communication preferences is that every language has needs, every language has specific qualities to offer.
If those qualities are not accepted or those needs are not met, then communication becomes distressed, and the relationship is depleted.
Conversely, when we are familiar with the seven Life Languages™️ and learn to speak each one as appropriate, then we automatically meet the needs and validate the qualities, bringing fresh life to the relationship.
I remember one couple I coached, who were almost opposites. This is quite a common pattern: opposites often DO attract!
His high first language (Contemplator) was her very low seventh language. He needed personal space or undivided attention, while her first language was high Producer, and she was all about managing and being resourceful (including managing her husband’s part in her active hospitality). You can see how this could be a recipe for conflict!
With understanding of each other’s preferences, these two reached a successful conclusion.
Although she would have multiple resourceful tasks ready for him after work, she gave him time to stop and regroup first. When he’d had a short time alone, she would hear what interesting truths he had discovered that day, giving him undivided attention and holding her resource management actions until after she had met his need. This proved to be fruitful because he then felt validated and had much more interest in meeting her needs from a place of health rather than distress. He in turn learned to close the gap between thinking and action, meeting her need for thoughtful gifts of time, resources, and attention.
The outcome was good because each chose character and stopped being a character. They turned their differences into strengths by informed action and choice.
Parents can do the same with their children. I seldom see families where the kids are identical replicas of mom or dad (at least where communication preferences are concerned). Instead, families where the parents discover their children’s profiles benefit from the insights that can be leveraged for the flourishing of each child in his or her uniqueness.
Validating the passion of your child’s primary language can be most powerful. Failing to do so can be disempowering and have long-term impact.
Consider a child who is first language Responder, in a busy family of three or more children. If the parents inadvertently fail to communicate care in a one-to-one setting where that child feels heard and understood, it can leave the child vulnerable to depression or complaining about feeling left out. This complaining may be voiced, but it is more likely to be internalized, resulting in an unhealthy communication pattern that can take months or more to reverse.
On the other hand, recognizing my child’s uniqueness is a great opportunity to affirm him or her, and parent for healthy expression of all seven Life Languages™️.
Suppose your daughter is a high first language Shaper. Even from an early age she will have plans and be leading. It may show first in arranging her soft toys for an imaginary event, or in wanting to choose the arrangement of her bedroom. An understanding parent will validate and welcome these qualities, perhaps making a plan for the day over breakfast, or asking her to help schedule care for pets. Knowing the signs of distress for this language, mom or dad can also watch for signs of criticizing or taking over, and parent them wisely as indicators of unmet needs. As she grows, this girl will also learn to speak other Life Languages™️ more fluently as well as developing the ability to relax, reflect and relate to others, while still expressing her strategic, big picture first language.
Stronger relationships are within reach. Once I understand and internalize the keys for success for each Life Language™️, I can speak each one fluently as required, and meet the needs of my friends and family, while depersonalizing conflicts arising from distress.
Which close relationship would you like my help with first?!